What to write

What to write now??? Jus feeling so turbulent….. what the hell? Feeling turbulent and restlessness means you want to write some thing? You are crazy man. Any way let me think about it.

I am like this. I want to do some thing which I myself call “creativity”, when my mind wander here and there, not being stagnant. Does it sound crazy? What ever… I once wanted to be a Picasso, (who is that …. ??? ). So I started painting in the walls of my house. Applied some oil and called it as oil painting. And it was my mother , with her nice nodes in my head, I slowly moved to paper. You know, drawing in paper is not that fun…. I once wanted to paint my whole house with black paint. (Why did I say it here..?) ,,aaaa…let it be. So the whole point in writing this crap is that I love painting and drawing. Yee hold on…not painting the house. Wow!! Painting the house will also be awesome na? But don’t dare to tell this to my dad. He will think of saving some bucks before next rainy reason.

By this time, another thing is evident. I like to speak craps and all nonsense that make sense only to those people who has got some sense to understand this nonsense. Huh!!! Whats this…? Never mind. Basically I like to talk and my passion is to talk. But never ever I had tried to talk on stage. Not that I am afraid of doing that, but I am afraid of meeting the audience after the performance.

Possessiveness. The word I hate most. Yuck!!! But you know I am one. J . I am really dwindled and curled and have a real affinity to that word. Does it sound contradicting? May be yes. I hate possessiveness and I am one. Folks, is it bad to be possessive on those, I love and care? When I fire a query to my inner mind it gives a result set as…………mmmm ohh shit..I am using a Database SQL language. Crap. Ok, what I meant to say is I want to love things to the deepest. Is it wrong to expect the same from my counterparts? If I see me from mirror, ie as a third person, I might say that you must never love a person or care a person expecting some thing in return. But, the question is am I an ideal man? Answer is never. I also have the feelings and I also expect a lot from others. Every one does it…rite? This feeling, that is, if I am not getting back the feeling in return, the bad face of possessiveness conquers me. I never want that to costume the face of selfishness and jealous. I loose my temperament and mask my inner soul, and I become vindictive. It’s just the matter of seconds to return back to my original soul and become amiable as before. But these seconds might fire words from my bloody mouth which could really prove fatal. And in the other side, I like people who are possessive on me. I really love that. But when I see my past, I never find one who was my reflection.

About immaturity. Am I immature? Dear, I didn’t mean the literal meaning of that. I have seen the world for a quarter century. But how many years gave me the real insight and proper out look. I am so immature to comment on this. Yes, there comes the immaturity. What I feel is right today , I am feeling it as wrong the next day. Why is it like that? Does that happen to all humans? I am having full confidence in what I am doing today, but when situation change, I am too drifting my stands. I strongly believe that this is because, I not having any support. If I get a good companion, I will be always supported and encouraged. Where ever I fall, I could raise up with extra delight. At present, the decision point is evaluated by only me, and I really hate doing that because many a times, I have found my selection as blunder and a phase of stupidity. I want a companion who understands everything and is a real reflection of my identity.

I like people to be straight forward and frank. In the present scenario of competition and race, I know its too difficult to be diplomatic if you are frank. But I think I am not at all diplomatic, as my frankness covers everything spits on my face. Why should I change my personality just to survive in this monetary market? Will it serve me in the long run? If I become diplomatic in the market, will it adversely affect my personality? I will be like what I am now. May be if I would have changed my self and had become little political, I would have reached a bit far. But I like where I am and I am thankful to the almighty for his reservation for me at this place.

I wanted to write more...But its time for me to leave from the office... :) :) so next episode, the same time same day next week... :) (lame joke na...I know...)